Ode to Online Dating

I'm not the cute, little, sporty girl you always thought you wanted.
The one whose mind agrees and always seems to chatter.
I am my own person. 
My thighs may be thick but I know my opinion matters.

You see my smile and big, brown eyes and think I'm what you want.
But then we meet and I don't fit the mold you've made.
You disappear without a trace.
But I think you're just afraid.

These 30+ years have taught me how to be alone.
I don't need you to feel whole.
I've also learned to love with everything.
I will love with heart and soul.

That's okay, you can go your way.
I'll be here, standing strong.

Restoration over Breakfast

I had looked forward to this day for weeks: an all day silence and solitude retreat dedicated to listening to Jesus with no interruptions. I was taking a class called “Discipleship and Spiritual Transformation” and this retreat was a requirement for the class. Being an introvert, I tend to cherish one-on-one time with people. I long for those times I can spend quality time with someone hearing the deepest parts of their heart, hopefully involving coffee and the outdoors. It is no different when it comes to my relationship with Christ, so I was looking forward to this time set aside to do some deep spiritual work.

However, my day did not turn out the way I expected. While I was at a beautiful Catholic seminary on a lake just outside of Chicago, it was mid-January... the lake was frozen… and everything covered in snow (I don’t like snow). I spent my day going back and forth from outside to inside the cold, damp buildings to try to thaw out, and I wasn’t really hearing much from Jesus. 

I had come within a few yards of a couple deer, but it seemed like Jesus was keeping His distance.

The group of us loaded into the vans and headed back into the heart of Chicago where we attended Moody Bible Institute. Most people were super chatty, glad for human interaction again. I, however, was mulling in disappointment that God hadn’t met me on this day set aside for time with Him. I entered my apartment and was bombarded by my roommates and friends before I had acclimated back into speaking mode. For various reasons the group dispersed and I found myself alone in my apartment.

Thankful for the quiet time, I opened my Bible again. I started reading John 21 in which Jesus appears to His disciples after His resurrection. He doesn’t appear to them in the midst of a set time of intercession. He was just sitting on the beach making breakfast when they returned after a night of fishing. Over breakfast He restores His broken relationship with Peter and instructs him to care for His sheep. I was reminded that I can have a meaningful time with Jesus in the ordinary, everyday moments. Jesus meets us when we need it most, not necessarily when we expect (like in my apartment on the couch instead of a Catholic seminary). He heals and restores when we least expect.

Like Peter, I can find restoration over breakfast.

Life, Love, and Loss

I tend to romanticize life; seeing it played out like a movie, complete with soundtrack. It's part of my personality I think. It helps me process and reflect; to know myself better and know God deeper.

The past few months have been a lot of this - reflecting and trying to understand. For a long time my thoughts would only go back to the hard things and all the emotions would come flooding back, sometimes stronger than before. 

This week I sat and talked with a dear friend, both of us trying to make sense of  the love and loss we've experienced. Will it ever make sense? We so often look at the pain in life and wonder what God is doing. But we live in this fallen, broken world, what else do we expect? We should look at the joys in life and rejoice in the glimpse of heaven that God has graced us with. 

This past Easter I was reading the account of the women visiting the tomb in John 20. Mary Magdalene is crying when she realizes Jesus' body is gone. He comes to her and asks why she is crying, but she is so blinded by her grief she doesn't recognize Him through her tears. She thinks He is the gardener and frantically tries to get answers and make sense of the confusion. Then Jesus says her name, "Mary." In a word, all of her pain melts away and joy, relief and comfort wash over her as she recognizes her teacher, her Savior. It doesn't need to make sense, all that matters is that He is here!

I'm coming to realize that joy and pain often come together. Life is a series of all sorts of experiences of love and loss, each of them with their own lesson. And God's glory is revealed through both. My body reminds me of this reality daily with residual pain of muscles, ligaments and nerves that will never be the same after two surgeries. But God is in the business of redeeming the brokenness, if we will let Him. 

I don't want to hide my pain and brokenness. But I hope that when people look at my life and hear my story they will walk away encouraged. I want them to be able to see God redeeming the broken parts and see His glory shining like the dawn. 

Looking Back, Moving Forward

As I look back on 2015 I'm amazed at how much happened, and even more amazed at how hard the year was. I think what made it so hard was that it was full of so many wonderful memories that have been tainted with pain of some kind. I cannot remember the good things without also remembering the hard things.

The year started off with so much hope as I followed the Lord on a path of learning to love. However, as the months went on I was finding myself full of anxiety and fear. I again needed to surrender my expectations for the outcome and trust that where God was leading is good. In turn, I experienced an immense amount of pain and heartache overshadowing many of the joys happening around me. Chicago had forever imprinted itself in my heart with both beautiful and hard memories. But I resolved to move home in hopes of finding something new, and the year ended looking up as I tried to sort through the journey I had just been on. All of my experiences have taught me something as I constantly found myself being carried in the grace of God. I am incredibly grateful for each of these memories, the good and the hard because they have been the pruning in my life and have produced more Christ-like fruit in me. 

As I begin 2016, John 15:11 is on my heart as my hope for what this year will be characterized by: "These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." I want to experience the fullness of joy as I abide in Christ's love this year. I look forward with expectancy for what He has for me. 

Love Not Wasted

"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13:7

I often forget this verse nestled in the middle of the chapter on love. It directly follows the unforgettable verses 4-6: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."

Love is not a feeling we have no control over, rather, it is an active choice to obey and model Christ in relationship. Christ didn't change his mind when those he loved the most betrayed him. Love requires that I always protect, trust, hope, and persevere, regardless of the outcome.

The love of Christ is never wasted.

In the Waiting

There are times in life when God lets you wait. When circumstances are unclear and it seems like your future hangs in the balance. I'm in just such a time right now. Waiting is hard, it requires a lot of trust; it's unnerving. Everything would be easier if clarity came now, but as I look to Scripture for comfort I'm reminded of a few things. Here are just a few:

- My God is always with me and guides me with His counsel (Psalm 73:23-24)

- He is the strength of my heart and portion forever (Psalm 73: 26)

- He satisfies my desires with good things (Psalm 103:3)

- He is perfectly faithful, I have no reason to doubt (Isaiah 25:1)

- He will keep me in perfect peace if my mind is steadfast in trusting Him (Isaiah 26:3)

- His timing is intended to reveal His glory (John 11)

- If I believe, I will see the glory of the Lord (John 11:40)

Can A Dead Man Live Again?

Sometimes scriptures become nothing more than Bible stories that we've heard our whole lives, and sometimes they change our lives. Last week I had an encounter in which the Holy Spirit illuminated scripture in a way that changed my life. I was participating in a Lectio Divina reading of John 11:38-44, the last half of the story of Lazarus. As I was looking to see myself as a character in the story, this is what unfolded:

I found myself first as Martha, Lazarus’ sister. Standing outside the tomb as Jesus asked for the stone to be rolled away I advise Him that it is not a good idea. There is no use to rolling it away, four days is long enough to accept that death is reality and what you will find inside the tomb is not pretty. There are feelings of indignation towards Jesus, my Lord who could have prevented this scenario. “Then Jesus said, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?’” He gently reminds me of his promise as He confronts my unbelief.

The feelings of indignation are multiplied as the scene changes and I see myself huddled in a corner of the dark tomb. I’m aware that Jesus is standing just outside and my heart is flooded with emotion. “I asked you to come earlier, you had plenty of time to show up. I trusted you, I believed you were going to come, even up to the last moment. Now it’s too late, I’m dead.” Then I hear something, it’s Jesus, he’s calling to me, “Krystle, come out!” My heart jumps, there is hope. Jesus wants to give me new life!

This seemingly simple truth has struck me so profoundly. I’m realizing the parts of myself that have died and the blame that I have placed on Jesus as a result. As Martha did with the death of her brother, I’m able to grieve those things and acknowledge the internal death as a cruel reality. As Jesus challenges my unbelief I’m given a choice to let go of those indignant feelings. I can choose to accept a new reality that comes with new life. Jesus CHOSE to arrive at the moment for God’s greatest glory. He did not come too late.

I’m now faced with the question of how a dead man lives again. How can years of wallowing in death be transformed to new life? I cannot pick up life where it left off, I’ve experienced death and that changes things. The expectations of what my life should or will look like must change. The old life and the experience of death are still part of me, but this is a new season of life.

I cannot help but think of many of my friends and family who have also experienced death of some kind. Haven’t we all lost hopes & dreams, friendships & loved ones, health & possessions? We have let that death become our identity and are hiding in the grave, our souls rotting. Jesus, we want to see the glory of God, help our unbelief!

Loving Life

I had forgotten how wonderful life is. This week has been filled with pure, absolute joy and everyday I'm caught off guard by it. The past 10 years have been marked by ups and downs with a slight emphasis on the downs. Each season has had its good, but always in the midst of hard lessons to learn. There seems to be no logical reason for this sudden overwhelming joy apart from the Grace of God. I am taking more credits than ever before, working more hours at a more physically demanding job, and have very little free time in my schedule. And yet, each day when I get a moment to stop and think, I'm flooded by renewing joy. I feel more alive than I have in a very long time. I'm overwhelmed by the blessing this is in my life because I had forgotten how good God is. For whatever reason, he has decided to remind me in the midst of busy and demanding schedule. His goodness is not determined by circumstances and I will only find satisfaction in him, not my ability.

Praise the LORD! Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
Psalm 106:1

And He said, "I Myself will make all My goodness pass before you, and will proclaim the name of the LORD before you; and I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show compassion on whom I will show compassion."  Exodus 33:19

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.   Psalm 27:13

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Relationships and Resolutions

The beginning of a new year. As I stop and reflect on the past year and the past 27 years, what I remember is relationships. It always comes back to people. Who have I met, loved, or lost over the years? Who have I forgotten? 

There seems to be an innate sense in humans to want to move on and forget the hard things in life, including relationships. A falling out with a friend, a broken heart, a death. We may grieve for an "appropriate" amount of time but we "must" move on. Why is that? Why must we "get over" the painful events or relationships that have made us who we are? Because those wounds and scars reveal our humanity and our weakness. But Paul boasted in his weaknesses; he declared over and over in his epistles that he was the chief of sinners. Why do we try to hide the pain that reveals God's glory in our lives? This year I want to love and not forget. Love the people in my life and love the journey God has me on. I want to remember the joys and the tears because it's all for God's glory. 

The Truth of Children's Literature

Have you ever been struck by the deep truths found in certain children's stories after reading them again as an adult? One of my favorites for this reason is The Velveteen Rabbit. Two years ago I was a counselor at summer camp and I grabbed a stack of old books from my parent's house to have in my cabin for the summer. One night during mini week I decided to read it as a bed time story to my girls (ages 8-10). I hadn't heard the story probably since it was read to me as a child and I wasn't prepared for the profound truth found in it's pages. I was so struck by it that even in the dark cabin, one of the girls could tell I was getting choked up and asked so innocently, "Are you crying?" The truth is, now as an adult I have experienced the wearing down process of becoming real. Here is an excerpt:

It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.

I hope you all get to experience becoming. I hope that you can accept the wearing down, and loosening of joints and shabbiness that comes with it. Because if you do you will know true love and with that love comes true beauty. Thank you to those of you who have been a part of my becoming process. I love you.

The Blessing of Friendship

Today I'm thankful for friends. I am amazed at the incredible blessing my friends have been in my life. Over the past 15 years the group of my closest friends has changed several times, depending on where I've been, but in each season that group of people has meant the world to me. I often wonder why these people have loved me. I know there's nothing that incredible about me, I don't say that in a self-deprecating way, but honestly knowing my faults I don't see a reason. So I'm thankful for the blessing that they are.

There are times when I get discouraged by the fact I've had to leave so many groups of friends. Saying goodbye is never easy especially if you don't know if those relationships will ever be the same. But today I'm able to see the blessing of having had so many godly people who have surrounded me and walked with me in this journey. We laugh, cry, travel and learn together. So if you're one of these people, I want to thank you; you've challenged and encouraged me in my walk with the Lord and have blessed me beyond what words can express. It's easy to hold on to the past and long for nothing to change. I'm beginning to see that by looking at the past I can trust that wherever the Lord leads me he will also provide fellowship with friends, whoever they may be. 

Then There Was One

Today my little sister got engaged!
It's a day of excitement, squeals, stories, pictures, blessings and memories to last a life time. I was not prepared for the text and picture that announced her engagement as well as requesting that I be her maid of honor. It was met with excitement and joy, followed by a phone call to hear all the details and share in her excitement. As the day progressed, I was hit with multiple waves of emotion; unexpected sadness. The reality is settling in that I am now the older, unmarried sister. This realization is accompanied by lies, fear, and maybe some jealousy. My "little" sister is not too young to be getting married; she'll be 25 in about 2 months. I think that's what makes it harder, while both of us were single it was easier to accept. Both being aunties, neither of us on the road to having our own families. Now I'm alone.

This might all seem over dramatic. But as a single woman, nearing 30, attending undergrad, surrounded by kids getting engaged left and right at this "Bridal" Bible school, I can't help but feel it's a little unfair. I went up to the rooftop of my building to cry and pray. I asked God to bless their marriage and draw them closer to himself. I don't think I can sit back and watch another marriage turn mediocre. Then I begged for the grace for myself to remain faithful to his timing.

So, Jill, if you happen to read this, don't misunderstand me. I am more excited for you than I can express in words. I've been an overprotective, big sister over the years. I hated watching you get your heart broken and wanted nothing more than a wonderful, godly man for you. I knew from the beginning Zack was different, despite the criticism from some. Since you've been dating him I've seen you draw closer to the Lord and that impresses me. I pray that as you begin to prepare for your life together, your relationship is founded on Christ and that you would face whatever comes your way through his power. I love you!

Purity

This semester God has been teaching me about what it means to be righteous. It's not what I would like to think it is. That being living a generally 'good' and moral life. It's not just looking the part outwardly or holding your tongue when certain things cross your mind. It's more about surrender, obedience, discipline, discretion, purity, and wisdom. But what do these words mean? What does it look like for my character to be marked by these things? Today I want to focus on purity.


"How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word." -Psalm 119:9

So often we (especially women) talk about guarding our hearts. Usually we are referring to protecting it from being broken by some man that will come along and potentially smash it to pieces. But I've been challenged to see this as less about defense and more about offense. Psalm 119:9 says we can stay pure by guarding ourselves according to God's word. Scripture if full of directions to flee from evil and keeping ourselves from sin. What is sin? Anything that takes our minds and hearts from the love of Christ. Too often we justify ourselves with reasoning that our actions are not bad, but no matter how innocent the action is if it keeping us from drawing closer to Christ and abiding in him, it is sin. So I was challenged to look at four specific areas of my life and outline some clear convictions that I can use to measure when my heart starts to wander.

My Activities: I need to be using my time wisely and keeping my thoughts on Christ. It is so easy for me to waste time on media when I could be diligently getting things done.
My Dress: Am I seeking attention by what I wear? Am I in a secret competition with other women? Am I honoring my brothers in how I dress?
My Speech: I need to check my spirit to make sure the words I speak are edifying to the body of Christ and are rooted in humility.
My Relationships with Men: I need to make sure I'm not finding my identity in that relationship. Even if my actions and time with guys are not inappropriate, they could still be unhealthy. I must first be fulfilled in my love of Christ.

"If there is an Enemy of Souls (and I have not the slightest doubt that there is), one thing he cannot abide is the desire for purity. Hence a man's or woman's passions become his battleground. The Lover of Souls does not prevent this. I was perplexed because it seemed to me He should prevent it, but He doesn't. He wants us to learn to use our weapons." -Elisabeth Elliot

2012 In Review

As I look back over the past year I am reminded of how much it revolved around PAIN and HEARTACHE. The majority of the year was endured with constant physical pain, which was accompanied by emotional and spiritual BATTLES. Satan certainly knows how to kick us when we're down. My heart breaks when I review my relationships and how many of them have changed. I've lost a few of my closest friends due to unfortunate circumstances, I'm not sure if they will ever be the same. And there are some that have CHANGED because of geography or just time; that change is hard for me.
But the year wasn't all bad, although it was hard I found some HOPE & JOY in the midst of the difficulties! Some of my happy moments: SPRING time in Chicago, being a COUNSELOR at camp, celebrating with friends and family who got MARRIED, and my HEALING from surgery. There are also personal victories that I am glad to remember. I spoke at VESPERS at camp. It was a year of learning how to love FRIENDS in new ways. Jesus was teaching me more about what it means to SURRENDER and TRUST him. And I began to SEEK the QUIET times with Jesus.
Something I wish I'd done differently is walk more confidently in who I am in Christ and acting more boldly in his will. I wish I didn't get caught up on the opinions of others and would have let him speak through me more often.
Here are a few SCRIPTURE references that I found comfort in over the year:
Lamentations 3:21-26, 31-33
Psalm 31:19
Psalm 73:26
2 Corinthians 12 (vs 9)
Philippians 4:4-7

I get to start this 27th year of my life focusing on Christ and what he has done for me. I live in the GRACE that he has given me. I will seek to TRUST him in all circumstances.

Life is Hard

I had back surgery two months ago. Two months! The time has passed so quickly. Many of my posts in the past year have been about the struggle and pain I was experiencing. Here is an update of some of my recent processing.
A month ago my back had healed to the point that I didn't experience any pain on a daily basis. For the first time in over a year I was pain free! For the first time in over a year I could genuinely laugh with people, and feel a little bit more like myself. For the first time my friends at Moody could see glimpses of the real Krystle Dawn.
And then that excitement wore off.
I was still struggling in my classes. I still struggled with dorm living. I still missed my family and friends in PA. I still struggled with having daily devotions/ prayer time. Life was still hard. I realized that while I was in physical pain I used that as an excuse for all of my struggles. But the surgery didn't fix all my problems. I realized that life is hard and I will ALWAYS be dependent on God for EVERYTHING. There is nothing I can do on my own. And I'm reminded of 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
"But he said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Thank God for his Grace!

Humility

A few weeks ago I was at my wit's end. I had let my pride and self-reliance come between me and God. I was desperate for change. I hesitantly journaled asking God to do whatever it would take to strip away that hindrance. One week later I was taken to the ER in an ambulance. For 4 days, I only got out of bed to be wheeled to the bathroom in a wheelchair. I was forced to let people do almost everything for me. I was mostly embarrassed that this was being made into such a big deal. I hated that everyone was taking care of my every need.
Then I realized that this is what it was going to take. God was forcing me to rely on someone other than myself. A good friend told me that by trying to do things myself and keeping others from helping me was depriving them of the love they wanted to show me. The more I talked to the girls around me, they explained that it was a blessing for them to be able to help me. I began to understand that humility doesn't always look like serving. Sometimes it means letting others serve you when everything in you is screaming to do it yourself.
It's amazing how much God is teaching me through this whole process of pain. And I know he will continue to do so even after the surgery in 2 weeks! As hard as it has been, I'm thankful for all of it, truly.

Hope

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:18-25
"The glory that will be revealed in us." How long will it take? How long must we wait for the redemption that is to come? But as Paul says, my present sufferings cannot be compared. It may seem like more than I can bear but ultimately God's glory will be revealed. I will wait patiently as God continues the work that he started in me. I will let him humble me and work through my weakness. Oh God, be glorified in me.

Trust

It's been a long, hard summer. Good, but challenging. God is continually pulling me out of my comfort zone and asking me to trust him. That shouldn't be as hard as I make it. Why do I constantly wander back to the path of striving to please God when it would be so much simpler to let go and trust him instead? Control. I don't want to appear weak. I say that this pain is keeping me on my knees but it's easier to say than do. It's easier to endure the pain, ignore my emotions and do my best to look like I have it all together. But that's a lie. I'm far from having it all together. My pride and self-reliance get in my way and I stop trusting. What will it take to break down those walls? I don't know yet but I long for the day when I learn what it means to truly trust my savior and be sustained by him.

Missionary Bio

I have to write a biography of a missionary for my Christian Missions class. I have found the life of Betty Stam to be an inspiration. A woman wholeheartedly devoted to Christ. She found her strength in a quiet devotion to the Lord. She grew up as an MK in China and later returned and married her "college sweetheart" after he moved to China as well (they met at Moody). They had a great first year of marriage before they were stationed in a different district. Within weeks they were captured by Communists and she watched as her husband was executed before she followed close behind him, leaving a baby girl alone in an empty house. She was a writer of poetry, and most of her poems send chills down my spine. I pray that God would continue refining me and giving me grace to love him like she did.

"I'm Standing, Lord.

There is a mist that blinds my sight.

Steep jagged rocks, front, left, and right.

Lower, dim, gigantic, in the night.

Where is the way?"

"I'm Standing, Lord.

The black rock hems me in behind.

Above my head a moaning wind

Chills and oppresses heart and mind.

I am afraid!"

"I'm Standing, Lord.

The rock is hard beneath my feet.

I nearly slipped, Lord, on the sleet.

So weary, Lord, and where a seat?

Still must I stand?"

He answered me, and on His face

A look ineffable of grace,

Of perfect, understanding love, 

Which all my murmuring did remove.

"I'm Standing, Lord.

Since Thou has spoken, Lord, I see

Thou hast beset; these rocks are Thee;

And, since Thy love encloses me, 

I stand and sing!"

(Betty Stam "Stand Still, and See" 1928)

Nothing Held Back

I guess I asked for this. Looking back through my journal I saw that in September I wrote:

“I pray that you would continue to show me things in my life that need to be refined. Bring me through the fire, Lord! I want all that you have for me, nothing held back.”

Five months later my world has been turned upside down. I have been faced with a tough situation in every aspect of my life. I wasn't kidding when I prayed for refining, but I guess I didn't expect God to try to do it all at once. I knew that starting college would be hard but I couldn't have prepared myself for this. It is comforting to think that if God is entrusting me with all of this right now, he will give me strength to walk through it. He is in control and I can only anticipate with excitement what he is planning for my future. It's not much fun to be purged in the fire, but I will come out as refined gold. I will love my God more deeply for it.