Then There Was One

Today my little sister got engaged!
It's a day of excitement, squeals, stories, pictures, blessings and memories to last a life time. I was not prepared for the text and picture that announced her engagement as well as requesting that I be her maid of honor. It was met with excitement and joy, followed by a phone call to hear all the details and share in her excitement. As the day progressed, I was hit with multiple waves of emotion; unexpected sadness. The reality is settling in that I am now the older, unmarried sister. This realization is accompanied by lies, fear, and maybe some jealousy. My "little" sister is not too young to be getting married; she'll be 25 in about 2 months. I think that's what makes it harder, while both of us were single it was easier to accept. Both being aunties, neither of us on the road to having our own families. Now I'm alone.

This might all seem over dramatic. But as a single woman, nearing 30, attending undergrad, surrounded by kids getting engaged left and right at this "Bridal" Bible school, I can't help but feel it's a little unfair. I went up to the rooftop of my building to cry and pray. I asked God to bless their marriage and draw them closer to himself. I don't think I can sit back and watch another marriage turn mediocre. Then I begged for the grace for myself to remain faithful to his timing.

So, Jill, if you happen to read this, don't misunderstand me. I am more excited for you than I can express in words. I've been an overprotective, big sister over the years. I hated watching you get your heart broken and wanted nothing more than a wonderful, godly man for you. I knew from the beginning Zack was different, despite the criticism from some. Since you've been dating him I've seen you draw closer to the Lord and that impresses me. I pray that as you begin to prepare for your life together, your relationship is founded on Christ and that you would face whatever comes your way through his power. I love you!

Purity

This semester God has been teaching me about what it means to be righteous. It's not what I would like to think it is. That being living a generally 'good' and moral life. It's not just looking the part outwardly or holding your tongue when certain things cross your mind. It's more about surrender, obedience, discipline, discretion, purity, and wisdom. But what do these words mean? What does it look like for my character to be marked by these things? Today I want to focus on purity.


"How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word." -Psalm 119:9

So often we (especially women) talk about guarding our hearts. Usually we are referring to protecting it from being broken by some man that will come along and potentially smash it to pieces. But I've been challenged to see this as less about defense and more about offense. Psalm 119:9 says we can stay pure by guarding ourselves according to God's word. Scripture if full of directions to flee from evil and keeping ourselves from sin. What is sin? Anything that takes our minds and hearts from the love of Christ. Too often we justify ourselves with reasoning that our actions are not bad, but no matter how innocent the action is if it keeping us from drawing closer to Christ and abiding in him, it is sin. So I was challenged to look at four specific areas of my life and outline some clear convictions that I can use to measure when my heart starts to wander.

My Activities: I need to be using my time wisely and keeping my thoughts on Christ. It is so easy for me to waste time on media when I could be diligently getting things done.
My Dress: Am I seeking attention by what I wear? Am I in a secret competition with other women? Am I honoring my brothers in how I dress?
My Speech: I need to check my spirit to make sure the words I speak are edifying to the body of Christ and are rooted in humility.
My Relationships with Men: I need to make sure I'm not finding my identity in that relationship. Even if my actions and time with guys are not inappropriate, they could still be unhealthy. I must first be fulfilled in my love of Christ.

"If there is an Enemy of Souls (and I have not the slightest doubt that there is), one thing he cannot abide is the desire for purity. Hence a man's or woman's passions become his battleground. The Lover of Souls does not prevent this. I was perplexed because it seemed to me He should prevent it, but He doesn't. He wants us to learn to use our weapons." -Elisabeth Elliot

2012 In Review

As I look back over the past year I am reminded of how much it revolved around PAIN and HEARTACHE. The majority of the year was endured with constant physical pain, which was accompanied by emotional and spiritual BATTLES. Satan certainly knows how to kick us when we're down. My heart breaks when I review my relationships and how many of them have changed. I've lost a few of my closest friends due to unfortunate circumstances, I'm not sure if they will ever be the same. And there are some that have CHANGED because of geography or just time; that change is hard for me.
But the year wasn't all bad, although it was hard I found some HOPE & JOY in the midst of the difficulties! Some of my happy moments: SPRING time in Chicago, being a COUNSELOR at camp, celebrating with friends and family who got MARRIED, and my HEALING from surgery. There are also personal victories that I am glad to remember. I spoke at VESPERS at camp. It was a year of learning how to love FRIENDS in new ways. Jesus was teaching me more about what it means to SURRENDER and TRUST him. And I began to SEEK the QUIET times with Jesus.
Something I wish I'd done differently is walk more confidently in who I am in Christ and acting more boldly in his will. I wish I didn't get caught up on the opinions of others and would have let him speak through me more often.
Here are a few SCRIPTURE references that I found comfort in over the year:
Lamentations 3:21-26, 31-33
Psalm 31:19
Psalm 73:26
2 Corinthians 12 (vs 9)
Philippians 4:4-7

I get to start this 27th year of my life focusing on Christ and what he has done for me. I live in the GRACE that he has given me. I will seek to TRUST him in all circumstances.

Life is Hard

I had back surgery two months ago. Two months! The time has passed so quickly. Many of my posts in the past year have been about the struggle and pain I was experiencing. Here is an update of some of my recent processing.
A month ago my back had healed to the point that I didn't experience any pain on a daily basis. For the first time in over a year I was pain free! For the first time in over a year I could genuinely laugh with people, and feel a little bit more like myself. For the first time my friends at Moody could see glimpses of the real Krystle Dawn.
And then that excitement wore off.
I was still struggling in my classes. I still struggled with dorm living. I still missed my family and friends in PA. I still struggled with having daily devotions/ prayer time. Life was still hard. I realized that while I was in physical pain I used that as an excuse for all of my struggles. But the surgery didn't fix all my problems. I realized that life is hard and I will ALWAYS be dependent on God for EVERYTHING. There is nothing I can do on my own. And I'm reminded of 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
"But he said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Thank God for his Grace!

Humility

A few weeks ago I was at my wit's end. I had let my pride and self-reliance come between me and God. I was desperate for change. I hesitantly journaled asking God to do whatever it would take to strip away that hindrance. One week later I was taken to the ER in an ambulance. For 4 days, I only got out of bed to be wheeled to the bathroom in a wheelchair. I was forced to let people do almost everything for me. I was mostly embarrassed that this was being made into such a big deal. I hated that everyone was taking care of my every need.
Then I realized that this is what it was going to take. God was forcing me to rely on someone other than myself. A good friend told me that by trying to do things myself and keeping others from helping me was depriving them of the love they wanted to show me. The more I talked to the girls around me, they explained that it was a blessing for them to be able to help me. I began to understand that humility doesn't always look like serving. Sometimes it means letting others serve you when everything in you is screaming to do it yourself.
It's amazing how much God is teaching me through this whole process of pain. And I know he will continue to do so even after the surgery in 2 weeks! As hard as it has been, I'm thankful for all of it, truly.

Hope

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:18-25
"The glory that will be revealed in us." How long will it take? How long must we wait for the redemption that is to come? But as Paul says, my present sufferings cannot be compared. It may seem like more than I can bear but ultimately God's glory will be revealed. I will wait patiently as God continues the work that he started in me. I will let him humble me and work through my weakness. Oh God, be glorified in me.

Trust

It's been a long, hard summer. Good, but challenging. God is continually pulling me out of my comfort zone and asking me to trust him. That shouldn't be as hard as I make it. Why do I constantly wander back to the path of striving to please God when it would be so much simpler to let go and trust him instead? Control. I don't want to appear weak. I say that this pain is keeping me on my knees but it's easier to say than do. It's easier to endure the pain, ignore my emotions and do my best to look like I have it all together. But that's a lie. I'm far from having it all together. My pride and self-reliance get in my way and I stop trusting. What will it take to break down those walls? I don't know yet but I long for the day when I learn what it means to truly trust my savior and be sustained by him.