I Am Afraid

I have lived most of my life paralyzed by fear. I have left it creep in and hold me back from doing a lot of things through the years. This is not how I want to live my life; instead I want to live a full life, free in Christ. I can become more than my fears tell me that I can or will be; just like David did when he stood against Goliath. I want to run to face those things that keep me back from chasing after God and exchange my fears for what is greater. The trust in God that gave David the strength to run toward Goliath is what I need to lean on and remember that it is not up to me to defeat my fears. I only have to let God guide my actions and follow his voice of truth. Going back to school is the biggest leap of faith I've taken, probably my whole life. When I let my fears speak to me I am terrified that I am going to fail but as I listen to Christ I know he will teach me to rise above those crippling fears and live a life that reveals his glory.

1 Samuel 17:48- As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him.

God's glory is made perfect in my weakness

A good friend of mine told me that this summer at camp was going to be hard for me; but that the outcome would be worth it. I knew that the summer would come with it's fair share of challenges; mostly expectations that I put on myself to improve in the role I was coming back to. I was not however, anticipating the distractions and roller coaster of emotions that came with the challenges. The first half of my summer was full of distractions that pulled my focus away from camp and where I thought it should be. Satan used every little foot-hold he could find and soon had me full of guilt. I expressed my feelings of inadequacy and weakness to a few close friends and I was encouraged by their responses. They told me that they had received encouragement and seen God working through me. God was using me without me even knowing it! In spite of my feelings he had been speaking to others through me. As much as I would like to take credit for doing some really cool things and having great ideas, I can't because anything great that happened this summer was not from me but from God. It is so good to know that it's not about me! I'm honored that he chooses to use us to carry out his purposes and relieved to know that I don't have to strive to be the best, he will be glorified most when we get out of the way.  

The Heart is Decietful Above All Things

...and beyond all cure. Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9 says it well. This truth has made itself known in my life more times than I would like to admit. The desires of my heart are not always God-centered and are more often than not self-seeking. It doesn't matter how old I get I still struggle with guarding my heart from it's own destruction. I received some wise encouragement from a friend recently as I was expressing my latest battle of the heart...

It's all about trusting God, his plans, and his timing. I know that every part of my life is in his control and his plan and timing is perfect. It's a whole different thing to live that out. I know that I can trust him but can I live like it's true? I can let go of my heart and continue to tell him my desires and follow through with trusting in his timing and plan. There is a freedom that comes from seeking his will and knowing I'm in it rather than my own. In order to be in a place that I can do that I must seek relationship with him and be in his presence above all else.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting.” Psalm 139:23,24

Friendships Change All Too Quickly

Friendships and relationships are my hobby. I love sitting down with someone with a cup of coffee and talking about the deep things of our hearts, or with a group of people hanging out, having fun. I invest a lot of my time and my heart in the people that are in my life. The sad thing is that those friendships are constantly changing. My life has been a series of short-term community-living experiences so my relationships continually change. In a few months this will happen again. I am moving 14 hours away to start college. I've become very nostalgic recently as I'm starting to process the change that is coming. I find myself wanting to cling tightly to my friends, not wanting to let them go. I want to soak up every moment that I have with them. I realize that this has happened before and I've survived, embracing a new group of people.

Spring reminds me of the process that God has set in motion for growth and new life. Just as the flowers and trees seem to die in the Winter we must accept the 'death' in our lives in order to embrace the new life that God has in store for us. Donald Miller says it well in Through Painted Deserts, “I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.” Change brings growth, and I'm thankful for that.  

Lectio Divina

My small group has been focusing on a scripture meditation method called lectio divina. It has been really cool to see God speak when we actually stop and listen for his voice through his written word. Today, I was particularly blessed by the passage we read. Every verse has specific meaning in what God is doing in this season of my life.

Psalm 118: 19-29

Open for me the gates where the righteous enter,
and I will go in and thank the Lord.
These gates lead to the presence of the Lord,
and the godly enter there.
I thank you for answering my prayer
and giving me victory!

(I asked the Lord to open the doors if it was his will as I've prayed the past few months about being accepted to MBI. The doors are now open)

The stone that the builders rejected
has now become the cornerstone.
This is the Lord’s doing,
and it is wonderful to see.
This is the day the Lord has made.
We will rejoice and be glad in it.

(I had rejected the idea of school and wanted to avoid it all costs. But God placed it as the core of the next phase of my journey. It has been so encouraging to see God work in his mysteries!)
Please, Lord, please save us.
Please, Lord, please give us success.

(Now as school is a reality for me, I have begun to plead for favor in my studies.)

Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord.
We bless you from the house of the Lord.
The Lord is God, shining upon us.
Take the sacrifice and bind it with cords on the altar.

(I am filled with excitement for what God has planned but I will have to continually surrender my fears of inadequacy to him.)
You are my God, and I will praise you!
You are my God, and I will exalt you!
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.

(Asking me to surrender what has been the symbol of all my fears is a step towards new life, and a deeper, more intimate relationship with him. I know that though this will be hard it is part of the refining process and I can't wait to see his faithfulness as he continues to mold me in his likeness!)

The Flesh Wins Out All Too Often

I grew up as a naive Christian girl. I followed the rules, I didn't swear, I didn't go to parties that would get me in trouble, I didn't lie, steal or cheat. All of a sudden, I found myself in sin and caught in a circle of lies that told me that I wasn't doing anything wrong. Even after the Holy Spirit convicted me of my actions I couldn't get out of it. In my own strength I could not defeat it. It took months of prayer to overcome the stronghold in my life. A few years later, I was 21 and backpacking through Europe with a few friends. We were enjoying the European culture and making sure we went out for drinks in every town we went. I didn't do anything wrong and I was never at the point of being out of control but I could tell that I was enjoying the idea of alcohol too much and romanticizing the situation. I knew that if I didn't take a stand, this too could take control of my life; so I made a decision to not drink any alcohol for at least a year. There are plenty more examples of times in my own life that fleshly desires won out over what I knew in my heart to be right. When I start to think of myself as righteous, they serve as reminders to me that no one is above sin and deception. I am so thankful for God's grace in my life!

The Moses Syndrome

The story of Moses has been a recurring theme in my life recently. An older lady at my church told me a few months ago that her Sunday School class had compared me to Moses, and I'm sure they meant that in the best way possible. I've been studying his story a lot recently, specifically when God called him at the burning bush. I've learned that although Moses ended up playing a huge part in the story God is telling, he started out as a stubborn, defiant man. I'm realizing that I am more like Moses than I thought and more than I would like to admit.

In Exodus 3:1-4:20 there are quite a few times that as God reveals his vision for Moses' life, Moses questions God about what will happen if the people don't listen or tries to tell God that he can't do what God is asking of him. I love God's response to Moses. Each time, God doesn't even acknowledge Moses' weaknesses or doubts but instead redirects Moses' focus and tells him that he is the great “I AM ” is sending him and when Moses continues to question God shows His glory and says “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Is it not I, the Lord? I will help you speak and teach you what to say.” And even then Moses asks God again to send someone else!

All too often my focus is on myself, my weaknesses and the lies that the enemy tries to sell me. I try to tell God that I'm not cut out for what he's asking me to do and that there are plenty of people that would be much better suited for the job. When in fact, God is asking me to do exactly what he made me 'cut out' to be. I have to constantly refocus my vision to be in line with God's vision and focus on His glory and ability to work in and through me despite my weaknesses. Thank the Lord that he doesn't give up on us easily or at all for that matter!