Discipline

There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Disciple is a vision for the future that enacts things today. Hebrews 12:5-6 says, “My son do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.” We need boundaries and consistently ask God to show us he loves us. Because he so loves us he chooses to wound us. We can never be good enough. We fall short at our very best, but we can approach the throne of grace with confidence because of the cross. A.W.Tozer said this: “God cannot use mightily the man whom he has not wounded deeply." Discipline is shaping and molding, not because you've done something wrong but to keep you from straying. As a child of God, he will not let me stay comfortable for long. Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, “Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." So is this herniated disc my thorn in my flesh? I have been drawn closer to him by it, so yes I believe that God is using this physical pain to mold me.

Jesus help me boast in this weakness. Let me continually find my strength in you and be shaped by your discipline.

Captivated

 I want to not only be captivated by WHAT my God can DO, but also WHO my God IS. So often we reflect on our lives and look for the 'God moments'. When doing that we look to see what God has done in our situations. How often do we long and search to find who God is; the beauty and awesomeness of his being? Augustine said, “How sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose!…You drove them from me, You who are true, the sovereign joy. You drove them from me and took their place, You who are sweeter than all pleasure.”
In Mark 2, Jesus is asked why his disciples didn't fast. His response was “How can the guests of the bridegroom fast while he is with them? They cannot, so long as they have him with them. But the time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them, and on that day they will fast.” More often then not, I am not fasting to find more of Christ. I want to deeply yearn for more of him, my bridegroom. I do not want to focus on what he can do for me. I want to know that he is better than everything else! I must diligently seek his face. I agree with Martin Luther when he prayed this: “I wish to devote my mouth and my heart to you; I shall teach the people. I myself will learn and ponder diligently upon Your Word. Use me as Your instrument -- but do not forsake me, for if ever I should be on my own, I would easily wreck it all. Amen”

Jesus, captivate us with more of who you are!

Song of Songs

There's a reason certain things are repeated several times in scripture. The Song of Songs is meant to show us the natural beauty of romance and marriage. There is a phrase that is repeated 3 times throughout the 8 chapters. A midst the passion of the book we are warned, "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" (Song of Songs 8:4). I think this is wise advise. 

Pieces

Stability. I lost it.

I consider myself a stable person. I don't get stressed easily. I have control of my emotions. Almost rock-like some might say. ;) So I was caught off-guard last week when I had an emotional breakdown. Sure, I have a lot going on in my life right now; first semester in college, living in a dorm, 12 hours from my closest friends and family, and severe pain due to a herniated disc. But that's no reason to lose control. That's exactly what happened. All it took was my mother asking how I was doing. My heart fell to the ground in a hundred pieces, and there I was, sobbing from the pain, realizing that I'm not strong enough to carry that load.

What did I learn from it? Trust. Surrender. Hope. Peace. Joy.

Trust that I can surrender my burdens to the Lord. He is faithful.

Hope that he will carry me through my current circumstances, or give me strength to endure.

Filled with peace and joy as a result.

“May the God of hope fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you TRUST in him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.” ~Romans 15:13

The Harlot

 It's not easy to claim the title of harlot, but over the last few years I've realized that I need to. When I look at my life I see that time and time again I have walked away from true love. I find myself being “satisfied by the call of lovers less wild” (Derek Webb). I was reminded again of my tendency this semester. I was pouring out my heart to God about all the emotions and stress that was weighing me down. I wanted relief and answers to all that I was struggling with. Mid-pour God gently stuck out his finger and tipped the pitcher back up. He showed me what I was filling the bowl with and it wasn't pretty. I was absorbed with myself and had lost sight of his will. I was so consumed by the immediate emotions and problems that I had stopped seeking what he wanted to do in me. It was only a month ago when I was excited about what he had in store. Thankfully he is a Father who loves to refine us. Every time I walk away from his love he is there to take me back again. 

  "I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the LORD" ~ Hosea 2:19-20

I Am Afraid

I have lived most of my life paralyzed by fear. I have left it creep in and hold me back from doing a lot of things through the years. This is not how I want to live my life; instead I want to live a full life, free in Christ. I can become more than my fears tell me that I can or will be; just like David did when he stood against Goliath. I want to run to face those things that keep me back from chasing after God and exchange my fears for what is greater. The trust in God that gave David the strength to run toward Goliath is what I need to lean on and remember that it is not up to me to defeat my fears. I only have to let God guide my actions and follow his voice of truth. Going back to school is the biggest leap of faith I've taken, probably my whole life. When I let my fears speak to me I am terrified that I am going to fail but as I listen to Christ I know he will teach me to rise above those crippling fears and live a life that reveals his glory.

1 Samuel 17:48- As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him.

God's glory is made perfect in my weakness

A good friend of mine told me that this summer at camp was going to be hard for me; but that the outcome would be worth it. I knew that the summer would come with it's fair share of challenges; mostly expectations that I put on myself to improve in the role I was coming back to. I was not however, anticipating the distractions and roller coaster of emotions that came with the challenges. The first half of my summer was full of distractions that pulled my focus away from camp and where I thought it should be. Satan used every little foot-hold he could find and soon had me full of guilt. I expressed my feelings of inadequacy and weakness to a few close friends and I was encouraged by their responses. They told me that they had received encouragement and seen God working through me. God was using me without me even knowing it! In spite of my feelings he had been speaking to others through me. As much as I would like to take credit for doing some really cool things and having great ideas, I can't because anything great that happened this summer was not from me but from God. It is so good to know that it's not about me! I'm honored that he chooses to use us to carry out his purposes and relieved to know that I don't have to strive to be the best, he will be glorified most when we get out of the way.  

The Heart is Decietful Above All Things

...and beyond all cure. Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9 says it well. This truth has made itself known in my life more times than I would like to admit. The desires of my heart are not always God-centered and are more often than not self-seeking. It doesn't matter how old I get I still struggle with guarding my heart from it's own destruction. I received some wise encouragement from a friend recently as I was expressing my latest battle of the heart...

It's all about trusting God, his plans, and his timing. I know that every part of my life is in his control and his plan and timing is perfect. It's a whole different thing to live that out. I know that I can trust him but can I live like it's true? I can let go of my heart and continue to tell him my desires and follow through with trusting in his timing and plan. There is a freedom that comes from seeking his will and knowing I'm in it rather than my own. In order to be in a place that I can do that I must seek relationship with him and be in his presence above all else.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting.” Psalm 139:23,24

Friendships Change All Too Quickly

Friendships and relationships are my hobby. I love sitting down with someone with a cup of coffee and talking about the deep things of our hearts, or with a group of people hanging out, having fun. I invest a lot of my time and my heart in the people that are in my life. The sad thing is that those friendships are constantly changing. My life has been a series of short-term community-living experiences so my relationships continually change. In a few months this will happen again. I am moving 14 hours away to start college. I've become very nostalgic recently as I'm starting to process the change that is coming. I find myself wanting to cling tightly to my friends, not wanting to let them go. I want to soak up every moment that I have with them. I realize that this has happened before and I've survived, embracing a new group of people.

Spring reminds me of the process that God has set in motion for growth and new life. Just as the flowers and trees seem to die in the Winter we must accept the 'death' in our lives in order to embrace the new life that God has in store for us. Donald Miller says it well in Through Painted Deserts, “I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.” Change brings growth, and I'm thankful for that.  

Lectio Divina

My small group has been focusing on a scripture meditation method called lectio divina. It has been really cool to see God speak when we actually stop and listen for his voice through his written word. Today, I was particularly blessed by the passage we read. Every verse has specific meaning in what God is doing in this season of my life.

Psalm 118: 19-29

Open for me the gates where the righteous enter,
and I will go in and thank the Lord.
These gates lead to the presence of the Lord,
and the godly enter there.
I thank you for answering my prayer
and giving me victory!

(I asked the Lord to open the doors if it was his will as I've prayed the past few months about being accepted to MBI. The doors are now open)

The stone that the builders rejected
has now become the cornerstone.
This is the Lord’s doing,
and it is wonderful to see.
This is the day the Lord has made.
We will rejoice and be glad in it.

(I had rejected the idea of school and wanted to avoid it all costs. But God placed it as the core of the next phase of my journey. It has been so encouraging to see God work in his mysteries!)
Please, Lord, please save us.
Please, Lord, please give us success.

(Now as school is a reality for me, I have begun to plead for favor in my studies.)

Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord.
We bless you from the house of the Lord.
The Lord is God, shining upon us.
Take the sacrifice and bind it with cords on the altar.

(I am filled with excitement for what God has planned but I will have to continually surrender my fears of inadequacy to him.)
You are my God, and I will praise you!
You are my God, and I will exalt you!
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.

(Asking me to surrender what has been the symbol of all my fears is a step towards new life, and a deeper, more intimate relationship with him. I know that though this will be hard it is part of the refining process and I can't wait to see his faithfulness as he continues to mold me in his likeness!)

The Flesh Wins Out All Too Often

I grew up as a naive Christian girl. I followed the rules, I didn't swear, I didn't go to parties that would get me in trouble, I didn't lie, steal or cheat. All of a sudden, I found myself in sin and caught in a circle of lies that told me that I wasn't doing anything wrong. Even after the Holy Spirit convicted me of my actions I couldn't get out of it. In my own strength I could not defeat it. It took months of prayer to overcome the stronghold in my life. A few years later, I was 21 and backpacking through Europe with a few friends. We were enjoying the European culture and making sure we went out for drinks in every town we went. I didn't do anything wrong and I was never at the point of being out of control but I could tell that I was enjoying the idea of alcohol too much and romanticizing the situation. I knew that if I didn't take a stand, this too could take control of my life; so I made a decision to not drink any alcohol for at least a year. There are plenty more examples of times in my own life that fleshly desires won out over what I knew in my heart to be right. When I start to think of myself as righteous, they serve as reminders to me that no one is above sin and deception. I am so thankful for God's grace in my life!

The Moses Syndrome

The story of Moses has been a recurring theme in my life recently. An older lady at my church told me a few months ago that her Sunday School class had compared me to Moses, and I'm sure they meant that in the best way possible. I've been studying his story a lot recently, specifically when God called him at the burning bush. I've learned that although Moses ended up playing a huge part in the story God is telling, he started out as a stubborn, defiant man. I'm realizing that I am more like Moses than I thought and more than I would like to admit.

In Exodus 3:1-4:20 there are quite a few times that as God reveals his vision for Moses' life, Moses questions God about what will happen if the people don't listen or tries to tell God that he can't do what God is asking of him. I love God's response to Moses. Each time, God doesn't even acknowledge Moses' weaknesses or doubts but instead redirects Moses' focus and tells him that he is the great “I AM ” is sending him and when Moses continues to question God shows His glory and says “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Is it not I, the Lord? I will help you speak and teach you what to say.” And even then Moses asks God again to send someone else!

All too often my focus is on myself, my weaknesses and the lies that the enemy tries to sell me. I try to tell God that I'm not cut out for what he's asking me to do and that there are plenty of people that would be much better suited for the job. When in fact, God is asking me to do exactly what he made me 'cut out' to be. I have to constantly refocus my vision to be in line with God's vision and focus on His glory and ability to work in and through me despite my weaknesses. Thank the Lord that he doesn't give up on us easily or at all for that matter!

Hold Things Loosely

 I have many possessions that I call ‘mine’ like I have a right to them; I even do it with relationships.  I go to my room and sleep in my bed and put on my clothes and listen to music on my ipod and then I have dinner with my family before I leave my house in my car to spend time with my friends. 

Do I have a right to claim these things? Does any of it really matter? I don’t think so; at least God seems to be trying really hard to convince me otherwise.  The first time that I was struck by the reality was in Germany when my house was broken into and my possessions were stolen out of my room while my roommates and I were sleeping a few feet away.  As I was processing the whole situation later that day God told me that I need to hold things loosely, because they aren’t really mine anyway. A few years later I was traveling around Europe and one of my bags was stolen in a train station. In that bag was all of my treasured possessions from the trip; my camera, my bible and bible study, my paintings and postcards as souvenirs. I was angry and bitter and couldn’t understand why this had happened. A few more years passed and I left home again to live in West Africa for a year. I left every one of my relationships that was dear to me behind and I struggled desperately not to lose them. This past year I have felt God calling me to give up my desires and plans I had for my life and be willing go to school and even surrender my desire to get married someday. I guess some lessons are harder to accept because I was just not getting it.  All of these things I call mine are things I have been blessed with and I deserve none of it.  The things I possess are a little easier to let go of but the relationships in my life I feel like I can’t live without. God is constantly trying to show me that it’s not true; all I need is Him.

Jesus, I want to desire only you. Help me to hold things loosely and surrender them to your hand.

It's A Small World After All

As a teenager my biggest life goal was to travel the world. I loved sitting in world culture classes and learning about all the places in the world and how each place was unique. I don’t think I realized at the time that my dream would one day become reality. I haven’t traveled over the whole world…yet. J But I have had the chance to visit 14 countries outside of the US and live for an extended period of time in 2 different countries.

I have noticed that even after I fly across the ocean to the other side of the globe I find similarities in each place. While the culture may change either drastically or in subtle ways I’ve found that people long for relationship. I’ve experienced both “warm” & “cold” cultures and although the desire is expressed in different ways it is there nonetheless. It’s what we were created for. Just as the Triune God longed to be in relationship with us he created us to long to be in relationship with Him along with the Body of Christ (the church).  We tend to think that each people group is different and therefore we can’t relate with them. But the truth is we are all created in the likeness of God and therefore can relate through our longing for community. Your neighbor (locally and abroad) may have a different culture than you but remember that God has placed in them the same desire for relationship. I challenge you to keep your eyes open for opportunities to be in relationship with those around you, it’s a small world after all.

My Past Does Not Define Me

I’ve experienced a lot of things in my short life. Included are some really awesome things and some really terrible things. I've traveled to a lot of really cool places. I've messed up more than a time or two. I have walked with dear friends who have experienced deep loss and dealt with it personally. I have seen beauty painted in the sky. I let anger & bitterness take over my heart. I justified actions of sin in my own life while judging others in their sin. I took pride in who I portrayed myself as and hid the parts of me I was ashamed of.  I have felt peace, joy and love beyond what words can describe.

None of these things define me. Each one is a small part of me and has helped shape the person I am today. But the one thing I claim as my identity is being a child of God. My father does not care about all of that stuff.  I am his child and am covered in grace. He may choose to use these things to draw me closer to him but they are not the point. The point is that my heart is continually being molded into his. I am thankful for the grace that covers my wickedness and I pray that the things that I take pride in would fade away and I would boast only Christ. 

As the Waters Cover the Sea

There is a day coming when all will declare the glory of the Lord; oh how I long for that day! There is still much to be done before that day comes. I have had the privilege to work with Eastern Mennonite Missions (EMM) in multiple capacities in the past few years, hoping to bring that day closer. Here in America it is sometimes easy to become jaded by the “daily grind”. There is a whole world out there that is longing to know the glory of God. EMM holds a special place in my heart, as every time I attend a function I feel the love of the family of Christ. Their mission is simple:

The single vision: to share the gospel of Jesus Christ in places of spiritual darkness, especially in places where the church is weak or nonexistent. The multiple expressions: at home and overseas, in verbal witness and acts of service, through prayer and financial support, by sending and going.
(Taken from EMM’s publication ‘As the Waters Cover the Sea’)

I would encourage anyone who desires to live out Jesus’ commission to make disciples of all nations to look into serving with EMM. “For the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the LORD as the waters cover the sea.”  Habakkuk 2:14

25 years

I turned 25 yesterday. Many friends have asked me what I have learned in my quarter century of life. These questions have led to a time of deep reflection. I have also wanted to start a blog to share the lessons I've learned or just share things I'm processing. What better time than now, the beginning of the next quarter century of life? So over the next few months I will be sharing my reflections of these past 25 years.