Life is Hard

I had back surgery two months ago. Two months! The time has passed so quickly. Many of my posts in the past year have been about the struggle and pain I was experiencing. Here is an update of some of my recent processing.
A month ago my back had healed to the point that I didn't experience any pain on a daily basis. For the first time in over a year I was pain free! For the first time in over a year I could genuinely laugh with people, and feel a little bit more like myself. For the first time my friends at Moody could see glimpses of the real Krystle Dawn.
And then that excitement wore off.
I was still struggling in my classes. I still struggled with dorm living. I still missed my family and friends in PA. I still struggled with having daily devotions/ prayer time. Life was still hard. I realized that while I was in physical pain I used that as an excuse for all of my struggles. But the surgery didn't fix all my problems. I realized that life is hard and I will ALWAYS be dependent on God for EVERYTHING. There is nothing I can do on my own. And I'm reminded of 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
"But he said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Thank God for his Grace!

Humility

A few weeks ago I was at my wit's end. I had let my pride and self-reliance come between me and God. I was desperate for change. I hesitantly journaled asking God to do whatever it would take to strip away that hindrance. One week later I was taken to the ER in an ambulance. For 4 days, I only got out of bed to be wheeled to the bathroom in a wheelchair. I was forced to let people do almost everything for me. I was mostly embarrassed that this was being made into such a big deal. I hated that everyone was taking care of my every need.
Then I realized that this is what it was going to take. God was forcing me to rely on someone other than myself. A good friend told me that by trying to do things myself and keeping others from helping me was depriving them of the love they wanted to show me. The more I talked to the girls around me, they explained that it was a blessing for them to be able to help me. I began to understand that humility doesn't always look like serving. Sometimes it means letting others serve you when everything in you is screaming to do it yourself.
It's amazing how much God is teaching me through this whole process of pain. And I know he will continue to do so even after the surgery in 2 weeks! As hard as it has been, I'm thankful for all of it, truly.

Hope

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:18-25
"The glory that will be revealed in us." How long will it take? How long must we wait for the redemption that is to come? But as Paul says, my present sufferings cannot be compared. It may seem like more than I can bear but ultimately God's glory will be revealed. I will wait patiently as God continues the work that he started in me. I will let him humble me and work through my weakness. Oh God, be glorified in me.

Trust

It's been a long, hard summer. Good, but challenging. God is continually pulling me out of my comfort zone and asking me to trust him. That shouldn't be as hard as I make it. Why do I constantly wander back to the path of striving to please God when it would be so much simpler to let go and trust him instead? Control. I don't want to appear weak. I say that this pain is keeping me on my knees but it's easier to say than do. It's easier to endure the pain, ignore my emotions and do my best to look like I have it all together. But that's a lie. I'm far from having it all together. My pride and self-reliance get in my way and I stop trusting. What will it take to break down those walls? I don't know yet but I long for the day when I learn what it means to truly trust my savior and be sustained by him.

Missionary Bio

I have to write a biography of a missionary for my Christian Missions class. I have found the life of Betty Stam to be an inspiration. A woman wholeheartedly devoted to Christ. She found her strength in a quiet devotion to the Lord. She grew up as an MK in China and later returned and married her "college sweetheart" after he moved to China as well (they met at Moody). They had a great first year of marriage before they were stationed in a different district. Within weeks they were captured by Communists and she watched as her husband was executed before she followed close behind him, leaving a baby girl alone in an empty house. She was a writer of poetry, and most of her poems send chills down my spine. I pray that God would continue refining me and giving me grace to love him like she did.

"I'm Standing, Lord.

There is a mist that blinds my sight.

Steep jagged rocks, front, left, and right.

Lower, dim, gigantic, in the night.

Where is the way?"

"I'm Standing, Lord.

The black rock hems me in behind.

Above my head a moaning wind

Chills and oppresses heart and mind.

I am afraid!"

"I'm Standing, Lord.

The rock is hard beneath my feet.

I nearly slipped, Lord, on the sleet.

So weary, Lord, and where a seat?

Still must I stand?"

He answered me, and on His face

A look ineffable of grace,

Of perfect, understanding love, 

Which all my murmuring did remove.

"I'm Standing, Lord.

Since Thou has spoken, Lord, I see

Thou hast beset; these rocks are Thee;

And, since Thy love encloses me, 

I stand and sing!"

(Betty Stam "Stand Still, and See" 1928)

Nothing Held Back

I guess I asked for this. Looking back through my journal I saw that in September I wrote:

“I pray that you would continue to show me things in my life that need to be refined. Bring me through the fire, Lord! I want all that you have for me, nothing held back.”

Five months later my world has been turned upside down. I have been faced with a tough situation in every aspect of my life. I wasn't kidding when I prayed for refining, but I guess I didn't expect God to try to do it all at once. I knew that starting college would be hard but I couldn't have prepared myself for this. It is comforting to think that if God is entrusting me with all of this right now, he will give me strength to walk through it. He is in control and I can only anticipate with excitement what he is planning for my future. It's not much fun to be purged in the fire, but I will come out as refined gold. I will love my God more deeply for it.

Valentines Day or Singles Awareness Day?

      I have to say, as a single 26 year old woman I have nothing against this holiday. I respect having a day to specifically honor someone you love. I enjoy seeing men get sentimental and remembering why they fell in love in the first place. As a single woman, my day goes on as normal, besides the occasional annoyance toward the overly affectionate couple sitting in front of me (but that can happen any day, lets be honest).

     Yes, businesses take advantage of it and push their product; they do that on every holiday. Am I reminded that I am single? Yes, and I am everyday when I see couples all around me. Yes, some women use it manipulatively, putting unrealistic expectations on it; those women will do that with anything. 

     I will be honest, I hope to fall in love and get married someday; but I'm not going to let myself express bitterness today because I have some sort of right. I will not lie by making today about proving how happy I am to be single. But I do know that God's timing is better than mine, so I will wait (trying to be patient). I will celebrate with my friends who are happy in their God-honoring relationships; they deserve to be happy.

     

Twenty-Six

The warm rays are stolen from me
as the sun escapes behind the buildings
Behind me there is a buzz of conversation
and grinding coffee

I sit discerning all that the past year has brought me
So many memories, so many emotions

My heart is full as I see
the pattern of the Lord's faithfulness
I will rest
Knowing I have another year to enjoy the richness of his promises


(I know this probably doesn't follow any rules of poetry, and I'm okay with that)