Humility

A few weeks ago I was at my wit's end. I had let my pride and self-reliance come between me and God. I was desperate for change. I hesitantly journaled asking God to do whatever it would take to strip away that hindrance. One week later I was taken to the ER in an ambulance. For 4 days, I only got out of bed to be wheeled to the bathroom in a wheelchair. I was forced to let people do almost everything for me. I was mostly embarrassed that this was being made into such a big deal. I hated that everyone was taking care of my every need.
Then I realized that this is what it was going to take. God was forcing me to rely on someone other than myself. A good friend told me that by trying to do things myself and keeping others from helping me was depriving them of the love they wanted to show me. The more I talked to the girls around me, they explained that it was a blessing for them to be able to help me. I began to understand that humility doesn't always look like serving. Sometimes it means letting others serve you when everything in you is screaming to do it yourself.
It's amazing how much God is teaching me through this whole process of pain. And I know he will continue to do so even after the surgery in 2 weeks! As hard as it has been, I'm thankful for all of it, truly.

Hope

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:18-25
"The glory that will be revealed in us." How long will it take? How long must we wait for the redemption that is to come? But as Paul says, my present sufferings cannot be compared. It may seem like more than I can bear but ultimately God's glory will be revealed. I will wait patiently as God continues the work that he started in me. I will let him humble me and work through my weakness. Oh God, be glorified in me.

Trust

It's been a long, hard summer. Good, but challenging. God is continually pulling me out of my comfort zone and asking me to trust him. That shouldn't be as hard as I make it. Why do I constantly wander back to the path of striving to please God when it would be so much simpler to let go and trust him instead? Control. I don't want to appear weak. I say that this pain is keeping me on my knees but it's easier to say than do. It's easier to endure the pain, ignore my emotions and do my best to look like I have it all together. But that's a lie. I'm far from having it all together. My pride and self-reliance get in my way and I stop trusting. What will it take to break down those walls? I don't know yet but I long for the day when I learn what it means to truly trust my savior and be sustained by him.